Saturday, September 18, 2010

Gingrich Calls For Federal Ban On Hasidic Law In US

The Newt is getting uppity. After deciding to ban Shariah law, he decided to toss one at the Israelites too. It makes sense, Newt is a Christian, so any law that's not his religion's law is a bad law.

This will mean that Hasidic jews can no longer cover their heads, must shave their beards, and be forced to eat calf liver in its mother's milk. Don't forget bacon! That's right, being Kosher is a crime.

Economist believe that this will have a zero net effect on the economy. Although there will be a lower demand on items like Hebrew National Kosher Hotdogs, there will be an upswing in pork bellies.

Stock analysts are now also recommending that you dump your Container Store store stock. The interpretation of Kosher laws is that you must have two sets of dishes and banning this law will reduce the need for excess dinnerware. Two sets of dishes are required by the Kosher family because of course that the laws prevent the faithful from eating a calves liver with its mother's milk, QED, having two sets of dishes avoids cross contamination of the soul.

CORRECTION: Newt corrected his stand on banning Hasidic laws. He said that they were ok because they are necessary. Newt, as a Christian, believes in the Book of Revelation, as such he needs the Jews to rebuild the Temple so that Jesus can come down and kill everyone who isn't a Christian. This will ban Hasidic law without the US lifting a finger.

Newt did reiterate that he has not changed his stance on Shariah law. "We want Muslims pissed at us", he said. Obviously God needs a bad guy for the coming apocalypse.

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